I’M PATHETIC LOL!
I used to be soooooooooo independent and sure of everything.
And then what?
Then you come along, that’s what.
And all of a sudden, I actually need someone to be happy.
But it won’t be this way forever, I tell you.
Because I’m going to start making myself a priority for once.
I’ll always love you
And my heart will always be with you
But I just can’t do this anymore.
You know, making you my top priority.
If you wanna get up there again, or close to there…
You’re gonna have to work for it.
But I know you won’t.
Lol.
Oh well.
I’m done being so needy and pathetic.
I talked to my friend Juliano about you the other night. I read him most of the things you’ve said to me…the good things. And some of the things I’ve said to you. He was quiet for a little while after I asked him, “so…..what do you think..” He was having trouble putting his thoughts into words, but he said it. “You….you know that feeling you get when you think you’re meant for that person? Like, you were made for that person.” “Yeah. I definitely do.” I said. “Yeah. That’s the feeling I get about you and this kid.” he said. I told him how much that made my night and how much better that made me feel. He’ll never know how much that meant to me. “No other person came into either of your lives because you were both meant to meet and be together, you get me?” He said. I love venting to him about Julian. He gives me hope. Especially since Juliano speaks his mind. If he thought there was no hope, he probably would have said something like “Straight up you need to move on from this kid.” Nano isn’t exactly someone who just says shit to make you feel better. He tells you how it is. Or how he thinks it is. …..So I could be working on something right? Like, I mean, really working on something amazing. Like, writing something totally epic that leaves the world totally speechless, right? I could do that. But, no. Instead I’m here. Writing about you. Writing about love, and heartbreak, and friendship, and shit like that. And all of those subjects have to do with you. Because you always end up being the only subject I wanna write about. I don’t know how you do it Julian. But you do. I wish I could have this natural charm where I stay on your mind. Where leaving me, is the hardest thing you’d ever do. But……..”We can’t always have our ways I guess”. Aw. You said that. Remember babe? When you were pretending to be Jonathan, and you were telling me how you liked me, and you didn’t know I liked you back. Omg. Aw. When everything seemed like it would be perfect. Hah, little did we know. And I don’t know what’s worse. Missing you all day everyday 24/7, or missing you every once in a while, but when I do it hits me harder than ever. Do you see what you do to me babe? Do you? No. Lol. OF COURSE you don’t. I love you… :(
My dad said it today. “You’re too good of a friend. You need to learn to put yourself first.” He also said, “Your friends can not be your top priority. You need to make your dreams your top priority, and as of right now, they’re not.” Soooo Vanessa is not aloud over my house for a while. I cried to my dad today. How no matter what, Vanessa is never able to make it to the things I invite her to. “I do tell her daddy. I try to tell her how I feel but she just gets mad. It’s like, excuse me for getting upset that my BEST FRIEND can never hang out with me” and immediately he said “No no no no, that’s not a best friend. That’s not even a friend.” It’s VERY hard for my dad to be on my side. In every single situation I have ever been in my entire life, he’s always tried to see the other side of things and see how I was wrong, and this time? This time I’m right. To be upset at the fact that Vanessa can’t go to my party becasue she has to get her hair cut, her nails done, and go shopping for a party tomorrow with Jason and she has to look perfect since she hasn’t seen him in 4 months. LAME. And for a while, Julian has been my top priority. I love him more than anything in the world, but that’s wrong. I shouldn’t be doing that. I’m not even his top priority. He puts his dreams first. As he should! I don’t know why I naturally make people my top priority. But I need to change that. From now on, I’m putting myself first. My dreams. Anyways….I was in the car when this whole thing with Vanessa started. And I started crying. “Just forget about her Fiona, you don’t need that,” my mom said. “No…I’m not crying because of her. I’m crying because my feelings are hurt obviously, and I want to vent my heart out about it to someone. And that someone isn’t here.” I said. “Vanessa?” my mom asked. “Julian,” I corrected her. “Fiona, he’s not going to be gone forever. And if you guys are meant to be, there’s always going to be a way,” she reassured me. “Yeah.” I said. I wasn’t going to argue. I have way too many emotional strings attached to know for a fact if Julian is going to be coming back. The fact is he’s my very best friend. Yes, Vanessa has been there when he wasn’t or couldn’t be….sort of. But….in those moments I wanted him there instead of Vanessa. Whenever Vanessa actually was there for me. Sometimes I think I have really high standards. But then I realized, I just expect my friends to be just as good of a friend as I am. And in some ways, even better. And hey, I’m not saying I’m the bestest friend that there is out there, but I sure am one hell of a friend. But you can’t expect things from people. You can’t expect ANYTHING. It’s wrong. I’m also not aloud to be there for my friends when they’re crying anymore. Especially Vanessa or Rachell. My dad said that they would never do the same for me, and he’s not letting me do that anymore for my own good. You have to be centered. You have to learn to love yourself first, before anything. Then you have to learn to love your family. And your friends? Yeah, you love your friends. But you can’t ever make them a priority. Ever.
Once A upon A Time, there was a princess named Kairi. Princess Kairi. A new beautiful and exciting year was about to start for her and she promised herself that this year was going to be for her. It was all about her. About her friends, about doing good in her training courses to become a beautiful queen someday. She couldn’t waste her time on anymore frogs. Frogs that promised a kiss would turn them into a prince for her. Because all those frogs she kissed always stayed a frog, and hopped away after they got what they wanted. The kiss. The year was starting off great for her so far. She had her best friend Apple, who she considered her sister and they were joining a lot of royal activities together. Princess Kairi was positive that this year was going to be perfect and unforgettable. And it was. Well, it was unforgettable. That’s for sure. Everything was going great, but then something unexpected happened. Something extremely unexpected. Princess Kairi broke her promise that she made to herself. She didn’t mean to, it was all so unexpected. She started really liking another frog. Except this time, she was starting to fall in love with this frog for the first time. And this wasn’t a frog. She didn’t have to kiss this frog to unwrap a prince. All she had to do was to be herself, and the frog unwrapped himself for her. It took a full year for the frog to fully unwrap himself, but he did it in time. When he fully unwrapped himself, Princess Kairi fell in love with him even more. He was a beautiful prince because of who he was on the inside. He loved her for who she really was. She spent the entire year on him. Including the next year after that. But this isn’t a fairytale…because fairytales always have the happy endings… Once A upon A Time Princess Kairi fell in love. And Once A upon A Time a frog who was actually a beautiful prince fell in love too. Once A upon A Time someone changed their mind, and Once A upon A Time, the princess was left broken. And Once A upon A time, the prince had something in common with all the other frogs from her past…and it was leaving. Once A upon A Time this princess was me and this prince was Julian…..this entry sucks ass….the end…
Okay, so I’m still not going to talk about what’s happening with him, what’s happened, how I got the picture, etc. YET. But this is Julian. The more and more I look at his picture, the more and more I feel close to him. I thought it would help me get over him, you know? But it didn’t. The instant I saw his picture, I laughed. But it wasn’t because I thought he looked bad. I laughed because, I don’t know. I’ve been waiting a year right? And I finally get a picture of him and I just laughed because I’m like…….”So this is Julian….” It’s…not really a feeling you can describe. But I can’t help but stare. And I feel my eyes sparkle every time I look at it. And then I’m like, “Oh boy, I’m in trouble.” And I have such a powerful mind where I can imagine things so strongly to the point where it seems very real. Well, today I went to visit my dad’s girlfriend to see her son’s baby. I sat on the floor against the wall with my phone plugged into the charger with my knees up against my chest. I stared at his picture, and then I stared at the table in the middle of the room. I imagined him there, sitting down at one of the chairs looking at me smiling. It seemed so real. And I just blinked my eyes and the visual was gone. I don’t know if I want to meet him anymore. I mean, I do. I always have more than anything. And from the very moment that I saw his picture there was nothing more that I wanted than to meet him. But when I imagined him at my dad’s girlfriend’s house smiling at me, it scared me. Because when or if I ever meet him, the moment I see him I know I’m going to fall for him all over again. And I know he doesn’t want that. And I don’t want that either. At least, I don’t think I do. Because the idea of being even more in love with him than I already am scares me so much. It’s really scary. I wish I could see him and feel him hug me…but then again I’m scared to have that happen. I don’t even know how much he wants to see me, or if he even does. Oh what I’d do to be able to live in that kid’s mind for a day. To know his thoughts. What goes on inside his head. He knows what goes on in my head because I easily tell him straight up what I’m feeling. He doesn’t do that. I guess I’m not worth it..?
(Source: peaceeeenluvpuppiezzzzforever)
There’s a lot to write about for Julian, but I’m always writing about him. For once, I’m going to write about myself. I can write about Julian later.
Today I had to stay after school for a rehearsal. Shows are on Tuesday and Wednesday night so I stayed today from 2:20 to 2:55. Since Rapunzel was cancelled being that we all sucked, I get to be apart of the tech team. I didn’t want to try to be in Medea. I wanted to try something new. And Garcia said I was brilliant with Rapunzel. That I was the amazing and I actually made him laugh unlike everybody else. And I knew it too. I knew I did a good job. But it takes a full good cast to make a good show, not just one cast member. Well, of course I wasn’t the only one who played their character brilliantly, but I was one of the very few. Anyway, I chose tech. I get to play with the fog machine! I was so excited. I can be a very excitable person sometimes. I think Garcia noticed because every time I get excited over the fog machine he smiles. Well I was behind the curtains with my friend Isa. We were underneath the fluorescent blue lights shimmering over us as I watched Isa twirl around looking up. She told me to try it out and so we both did it together and then we quietly laughed. We hear Garcia shouting out directions to Josh and Kylie who are controlling the lights and the sounds. And once the house lights go out, and the dramatic music starts, I pick up the heavy fog box, keep my finger pressed on the on button, and run across the stage so the fog comes out from underneath the curtains, as Isa is behind me picking up the cords as we go. I put the fog machine against the wall backstage and unplug it as Isa goes to open the curtains. “Girls! Come out and see your job!” Garcia calls out. We run out to the stage and face our backs to the absent audience. We looked up and around at the blue and yellow lights with the fog everywhere gradually fading. And then I decided to look out into the auditorium. The lights hit my face, and the fog was still everywhere. And as I looked around, I got the most amazing feeling ever. The most warming feeling I think I could ever get. In that very moment, I knew exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I mean, I was always sure, but now, nothing will ever stop me from getting to where I want to go. I sat in the auditorium seats and watched as Garcia helped out the light and sound people while he was on stage to give them and Isa and I a visual of what everything would look like. He stops for a moment and takes out his phone as he reads something. Then he says out loud slowly as he texts back to the message he received, “I…….love…….you…..tooooooooooooooo” And I just smiled. He looks down at me and says “Back and forth love letters. Don’t tell my wife.” I laugh and he says “Ahhh I’m jus’ kiddin’. I’m sending little love texts to my wife.” I thought that was the cutest thing ever. That two adults can still be little kids. And it reminded me of Julian and I, even though we’re no where near adults. Anyway, today, after school, was truly a movie moment. And it’s the most amazing feeling that I get up there when I’m on that stage. It’s passion and happiness. I can’t even describe it. It’s….home.
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. So I was talking on the phone with my friend Chris, and yeah, he’s still on the phone…he just fell asleep. So I have him on speaker while I type this, listening to him breathe. Sound creepy? I know. And then of course I have my small playlist of 17 songs playing. Since I’m at my mom’s house and I don’t have my laptop, I downloaded some songs to her computer. My birthday’s in a few days. My 16th birthday. It’s 1 in the morning. It’s almost two. So I guess it’s appropriate to say that YESTERDAY was 11/11/11. So I made a wish at 11:11pm. At 11:10, I was getting ready to think of my wish, and then I got a text message from Rachell. It said, “Get ready , wish for something for you…don’t wish for him anymore. Make ur wish about yourself, you deserve it”
She was right. My wish was going to be about Julian, as usual. I should wish for something differentm right? So I made two wishes. I won’t say what they are because I don’t want to take any chances of jinxing my wish. The wish was, after all, made at 11:11pm on 11/11/11. I mean, how often does a chance like that come around? Never.
Anyway, I was talking to Chris and he was actually being pleasant. Instead of being his horny perverted self he would actually try to hold a conversation. Well, there was a long silence on the phone later on in the conversation, so since I was on the computer the entire time anyway, I decided to head on over to my Formspring. I read some of the things Julian had sent me. So I decided to read some to Chris. Which got me on my “Julian kick.” I started describing Julian. How funny he was, how cute he was, how much I loved his laugh. How I remember his tired voice. How he loved my stories. How we would talk about anything and everything that had to do with absolutely nothing for hours on end. And….my goodness. I am SO head over heels for this kid. I spent like a good 10 minutes describing him to Chris. I just got so caught up in it that I even forgotI was talking to Chris. In that moment, I wasn’t even in my brother’s room anymore. I wasn’t….I don’t know. I wasn’t anywhere. I was in my own world. Because Julian does that. He puts me in my own world. He does that quite often. Even when he’s not around.
Whenever Julian was on the phone, I would direct all of my attention towards him. I would just prison myself into my room and talk to him for hours. I mean, I had to enjoy what I had while I still could. I didn’t know how long I would be able to talk to him for. But I mean, even when he was Jonathan, and the phone calls were unlimited, I would have all my attention towards him. I haven’t heard his voice in exactly 11 months. I haven’t even spoken to him in 3 months. It’s really hard. I mean, REALLY hard. I’m so scared that he’s forgetting about me. I hope he isn’t. I hope he thinks about me every night before he goes to bed, and wonders where I am, or what I’m doing. I hope he wonders what I wonder. If he’s scared of exactly the same thing. But I know him. And I know if he thinks I met someone else, he’ll think it’s in my best interest. I could meet someone else, but I’ll never have what I had with him. Julian’s…..irreplaceable.
I’m going to do what Taylor Swift did. Turn completely to music. “People haven’t always been there for me, but music has.” Vanessa is not a bad friend. She’s actually an amazing friend. But my problems are too complicated for her and she doesn’t like to put the time and effort to help me feel better like I do with her. And I guess I shouldn’t have expected that from her. My problems in my life and in my head are tough, and just because I would spend hours trying to convince someone they’re good enough, doesn’t mean they’d do the same for me. Everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe this is the push I need to just REALLY devote myself to my songs. I want to learn guitar soon. I just need to prove to my dad that I really want to do it. Anyways… I’m sorry Vanessa. I’m sorry I’m so annoying and frustrating and stupid like you said I am. I’m a difficult person. I understand that and I’m sorry. I know I’m not an easy person to hold on to. I’m an easy person to give up on, and you’ve shown me that. So that’s why I’ve ended the friendship. For your own good, and for mine. So you don’t have to deal with me anymore, and I don’t have to get hurt repeatedly by the expectations I hold you up for. Which is very, very wrong of me. No one should have expecations anyway. You’re the one person who has given up on me more easily than Julian. But that’s okay, I don’t blame you. So Rachell’s gone, which that one I don’t mind at all. Julian’s gone, I think, and that kills me every single day, but I’ll be okay. I’ll learn to live with the pain. And now? Now I think Vanessa’s gone too. And that kills me too, but that’s life. It might have escaped my notice more than once, but life isn’t fair. Things will hurt your heart repeatedly, but you have to keep on going, just like life does.
I wonder this ALL THE DAMN TIME. I mean, do you? Do you ever have these moments? I do. I have them every single day. And if you don’t have them……well I guess I can’t blame you right? What is there to miss? It’s just me. I’m Fiona. Nothing special.
(Source: leilockheart)
I’ve been thinking about so much since last night. I don’t know why. It’s like, I’m on this whole thinking marathon. Vanessa and I took a shower together and we ended up just sitting on the bathtub floor with the shower running and just .. talking. About everything and nothing at all. And I realized something. I am pretty fucking amazing.
People always wonder why I accept him. How he pretended to be someone and comes back and I just accept him immediately. They just don’t know what I feel for him. I don’t think anybody can really know what true love is until they go through what I am going through. Would they go through what I’m going through for the one that they love? I’ll bet not. You don’t understand, I’ve wasted a lot of time on that boy. Actually, no. I wouldn’t call it wasted. So let’s just say, I’ve spent a whole hell of a lot of time on that boy. And it’s not like it’s the normal kind like others. Like Rachell’s time spent on Yadiel. Or my dad’s time spent on my mom. Nothing like that. My kind of time spent? It sounds ignorant, but it’s different. I’ve spent months of nights waiting for when he’d finally write on my formspring. I haven’t heard his voice in 8 months, my only source of communication with him was through formspring from which I only heard from him on there once a month if I was lucky, I don’t even know what he looks like, I’ve never met him in person, and guess what? I’m still here. Name how many other people would do that? None. And out of all the girls that he’s ever been with, I’m sure if they were me, they wouldn’t have gotten this far, like I have.
My relationship is hard. It’s not easy at all. And everyone is so incredibley clueless. Including him. I sent him an offline IM last night, or like around 1am and I sent this:
i just wanted to say….you’re clueless. but not in a bad way. everyone’s clueless with what i’m about to say. no one has any idea. not the slightest. not the slightest idea of how much you mean to me julian. not even you. you couldn’t possible ever have any kind of idea of how much you mean to me, ever. but i just wanted to tell you i love you and you are so important to me. and no matter what happens, i’ll always love you.. good night :)
That’s what I sent him. Because it’s true. He is so incredibely and completely clueless along with everyone else. But it’s not the bad kind of clueless. I just love him so much. And he’ll never know that. He’s always going to have his doubts here and there, just like I do. But the thing is, I haven’t given him any reason to not believe that I love him. Him? He’s given me every reason in the book for me to not believe that he loves me. But I still do believe him. Every single time he says it.
I haven’t given up on him, ever. Well…I mean….there was just that one time where I “left.” But he actually typed me this whole thing. It’s the first time he’s ever asked me to stay. He wrote this long thing. And that meant so much to me. It really, really did. You know, to have someone who means the world to you, to chase after you? It makes you feel pretty good. It makes you feel like…..like they actually do love you enough to not let you go. And he’s usually let me go in the past.
But I think he owes me to at least not give up on me, just like I haven’t given up on him. …Right?
